Dear Annabel...

I don’t quite know what to say, it’s been a while since we’ve been in contact, I wish I could turn back the time.
For the time that I knew you, I cherished your friendship. You were there for me in my darker times, my rock through the bad times, and no matter what I will never forget that. It’s when you get hurt as deeply as I did, that you start to be greatful for those around you who are loyal to you, or so the ones you think are loyal.

To have a best friend betray you, is unforgiveable, something that will be on your mind no matter how much you try to forget it. I will never and could never inflict that on anyone. Especially not you, and I feel guilty for this, which I am about to say:

I’m not who you think I am. You were the bestest friend I had, the one I turned to with everything, the one I talked to when I had no one else. The one who knew all my secrets, that was you. I was lucky to have you, and you made me feel accepted. One of the few people who didn’t laugh at me, one of those who didn’t talk about me. Or so I thought.

I had your back always, looked out for you, and even helped with relaionship problems. You two were perfect for each other. Until one day, he did something I never thought he’d do. Asking me out for meals.. to the cinema.. all of which I thought I was a double date, all of us together. I had no idea you didn’t know. He even came round mine, without you, strange this looks, even to me now. You were invited to come, though he didn’t tell you. You thought it was out of pity. It wasn’t. I wanted you there, more than him.

The conversations on msn, started off as normal, we were good friends, before youtwo got together, he used to tell me how much he liked you, and when you got together, he was made up. But a few times, he tried flirting with me, going so far as asking if anything more could happen between us. Telling me he’d dreamt about me and all sorts. I was horrified, and I cried at the sight of what he was saying. I didn’t want to say anything to you.. I didn’t want to hurt you, or split you up. Especially when I knew nothing would happen, I didn’t like him like that, never had. He was like a brother to me. You have no idea how uncomfortable I felt.

How could I tell you all this? How could I be the bearer of such horrible news? Iwish I had, I wish you knew just what he was really like

I wish I could tell you all this, I wish there was some way of you knowing. But I can’t. I don’t have the face to ruin things for you, or even stop you from making a big mistake. You were always worried about him finding someone new, worried about something happening. I thought you were safe, as I’d never do that to you. I know what it feels like, and I couldn’t inflict that on anyone.
My little twiglet, my best friend… I miss you x

What to do?

How do we tell someone something that we know will break their heart, but something they need to know?

How many of you have been screwed over? Whether by a friend, a boyfriend, a family member, or even someone you work with?

Sometimes we go through life in our own way. We live how we want to live, we do what we want to do, we know our limits. We know those close to us, we know the ones we care for, admire, and cherish. How is it that one day, things just, change? And people's perceptions of you become different, for no clear reasoning.

There is reasoning. It's always deep down below the surface, and it's not until it's too late that you realise why. The reasoning is always down to one of the following; jealousy, guilt or regret.

Being screwed over by someone close to you, always makes you wonder what you did wrong. You never think it's something someone else did. What about losing a best friend? A friend you loved and cared for, but lost contact with for reaons unknown to you. The fact her other half had somehow turned the tables on you so you are the one at fault.

To have your friend, betray you and your best friend by coming on to you, confuses you, and messes with your mind. You push them away, because you don't want it... but nevertheless, they keep trying. However, it's you that gets the blame. If you could only tell them the truth, if you could only make them see the mistake they were making... Is it too late? Maybe, just maybe, it isn't too late yet...

New Me, New Beginning

So today is the beginning of the new me. I have finally kicked myself up the backside, and done what I have been meaningto do for goodness knows how long! I have joined the gym.

Now as my other half will tell you, I was always moaning about something. How wobbly my legs and stomach were, or how a certain pair of jeans didn’t fit, or even how unfit I was. But did I do anything about it? Of course not! I couldn’t be bothered. I was lazy and just expected things to change. What was it that made me change you ask? I’ll tell you…

I was a normal girl, didn’t bother what people thought, happy with how I was and what I had, not a care in the world, and I’d do what I like. However, I started to put weight on. At first, it was just a bit, it didn’t bother me at all. But then being at university, I put on a stone and a half. Yes, wow! I didn’t exactly do anything about it, I just moaned. It wasn’t until three days ago, that I stood in front of the mirror, and looked in horror at the stranger staring back at me. Who and what was that thing? It was me.

I’m not the most athletic person in the world. I have rather bad asthma, and am unfit to the point where walking up stairs gets me out of breath. My decision to join the gym is to help me lose weight, tone my muscles and even fitten up. I tell you, you have no idea how good it feels when you start to put a plan into action!

I’m not really a morning person. I’d sleep in until midday if I could, but today I was up at 7am, ready to go down to the gym and register. Which I did… It turned out they couldn’t fit me in for an induction until 8.30pm tonight. Waste of time getting up early you say? No. In fact, I’m rather happy to have been up since then. I feel fresh and alive, knowing that later on, will be the start of the new me. Until then, it’s the healthy diet plan that starts now.

A word of advice, if something is bugging you and you’re not happy, whatever it is, do something about it. You will feels so great when you do something, and even better when you see the final outcome.

That uncomfortable feeling

Have you ever felt so uncomfortable, that you don't know how to feel about something?
Have you ever wondered why people are the way they are? The way they make you feel, like an outcast... Like you don't belong... Like you're not right. Whoever we are, whatever we are, we have the right to be like that. Not how others think we should be. I feel enclosed in a particular world, like I'm not quite how I should be. Like I'm different. Too different.

Will anyone accept me for who I am? Will they let me be who I am and who I want to be? I want to be me, live freely and not care what people think, but I live knowing that there's constant whispers behind my back. What happens when we don't know what to do? When we don't know how to take it? Will I ever live securely in a world I'm happy with? Where I'm truly happy?

I live with this burden of wondering if I'm being watched, being monitored and judged, but by people who are of insignificance. How is it they have this power over me, to make me feel so unwanted?
When will we live in a world where everything is normal? Will we ever have that? I want the acceptance from those close to me, those who call themselves friends but don't act like it. I want the friendship.

Infidelity and Suspicions

So today I decided, I’d sit in and watch and a film, curled up on the sofa, with my big fluffy dressing gown, and forget about being ill. I ended up watching The Women. I loved it! I thought it was brilliant! However, it did raise issues for me. What is it that’s so hard about being faithful? Why do people see the need to stray, and go in search of something that they have already?

Cheating is never something I really understood. Someone once told me, ‘the grass is greener at home’ and I thought, it’s true. If you’re happy, then you have everything you want. Why risk losing it all? But some people do. They throw everything away for nothing, as it often turns out, that what they gained, was nothing to what they lost.

I have friends that recently have been unfaithful, and they don’t seem to care. People’s minds are becoming corupt, and any feelings are just being forgotten. I am shocked how anyone could cause such pain and hurt to someone they care so deeply about. I am ashamed to say I know so many people who do it, and shocked by them. It’s so unexpected. Which draws me to my next point.

If infidelity is becoming more common, what chance do we stand of being happy? What stops us from suspecting those close to us? I myself, admittedly get paranoid, not that I should. I am happy, and I am a nice person, I am happy with whom I’m with. I have trust that they will remain faithful, but there will always be a thought in the back of my mind, some people will throw away everything.

Trust isn’t something that should be given away freely, it is something that should be earned. It’s alright to have some suspicions, just don’t live by them. Live everyday as if it’s your last, cherish every moment you have, you don’t know how long something will last. Not everything will last forever.

Moods

What is it that changes our mood? How do we go from being quite happy, to suddenly being down? I read once, that it only takes one bad thing to make you unhappy, but to cheer you up, it takes five good things. Does this mean, that unhappiness is a stronger emotion, or merely an easier one to have?

Personally, I find myself more in a happier mood than I am a bad one, and I can honestly say, I don’t know what makes me so happy! Today I woke up and saw the sun blazing through my window, lighting my whole room up, and for a slight moment, it felt like summer, my favourite time of the year and this in itself brightened up my day… Literally! Maybe we need to have something good start our day to make a good mood last… Wake up on the right side of the bed. What does that expression mean? I have pondered this many a time, wondering whether it has hidden meaning, or if it’s a metaphor for something. If I woke up on the wrong side of my bed, then I’d have a whopping big lump on head! Not really something that will make me happy…

Some people seem to be down quite a lot, snap at people, or are pessimistic. There’s nothing worse than being in the company of a constantly depressed person, it brings your mood down too! Who wants to be sat with someone who always has a bad answer for everything? Or has a way of making you think badly of something because of the way they see things? Not I. I enjoy the complany of my friends, who are all bright and happy people, mainly because I am at the centre of their happiness obviously! Hmm, maybe that’s because I’m always saying things without thinking… I thought Eddie Murphy was dead! I then realised, I was thinking of Freddie Mercury! An easy mistake to make… Maybe not. I have made the mistake too of thinking mongolia was a breed of dog… It is infact a country, and it is a mongrel that is a dog. This does seem to amuse those around me.

Something tells me I should rethink the idea of applying for mastermind, I may just end up making a fool of myself and end up on Outtake TV instead! Or worse, youtube! :O I suppose it’s one way of getting your name known. If you don’t mind people thinking you lack intelligence! Which although I don’t, is pretty hard to deny now… Ah well, c’est la vie! You only live once!